I’m proudly left-handed, but the oppression of right-handed society has forced me to do almost everything with my right hand except for writing and throwing things.

I drank a minimum of 2-3 sodas just about every day of my life until 6 months ago, when I cut back and switched to sweet tea or Crystal Light. I now get a sugar rush if I drink a soda.

Every heterosexual guy has at least one “I Was Hit On By A Gay Guy” story, but how many of them can say they’ve been hit on by a gay dwarf in a newsboy cap? I can. It’s a good story, too.

I have a firm belief that no movie should be quoted more than one month past its DVD release unless it (a) is an unquestioned classic, (b) won multiple Academy Awards or (c) features Christopher Walken.

I’m pretty good at talking like Borat, so that last fact creates some inner conflict for me.

Smell is by far my weakest sense, until something stinks.

When I was about 10, my parents scolded me for having Victoria’s Secret catalogs just out in my room. A few weeks later, it was a couple days before Christmas and I found some hardcore porn mags in my dad’s sock drawer. Once I got over the shock, I seriously thought they were some of my Christmas presents. I swear, I was one traumatic experience away from turning into a psychopath.

In college, I worked at a call center for Cingular and learned that I’m extremely good at talking to strangers on the phone. I’m often skilled at things that I have no interest in doing. It’s strange and counter-intuitive.

I have girlishly-long eyelashes that have proven to be a safety hazard more than anything else. They’ll often curl back into my eye, mostly when I first wake up. I’ve learned that women find few things more attractive than waking up next to me when I have one eye firmly shut and a tear or two trickling from it.

I have two younger brothers and the gaps between our birthdays are exactly the same: 2 years, 27 days. My mom’s biological clock was actually used to time the Women’s 200m dash in the 1988 Summer Olympics (not true).

I don’t think I’ve ever danced “seriously” or normally. It’s always goofing off. I know that I’m capable and have rhythm, but it’s just something I’ve never done for whatever reason.

I often get the sense that elderly women are sexually attracted to me and I’m never sure how to feel about that.

The numbers 13 and 31 keep popping up throughout my life. I’m not a superstitious person, but I find that interesting.

There are a handful of experiences in my life that I consider truly embarrassing. Sometimes the memory of one will startle me just as I’m about to fall asleep. I have serious sleep irregularities.

I was an extremely devout Catholic as a child. I remember losing sleep in 4th grade because I was out sick on the day my class went to confession. I was on the opposite end of the spectrum by 7th or 8th grade.

I absolutely CANNOT resist buying horrible or ironic gas station/truck stop t-shirts, particularly if they involve Jesus, wolves or the confederacy. It’s a compulsion that I have no interest in fighting.

If I’m flipping through channels and come across “Coming to America” or “Major League”, I will stop what I’m doing and watch it regardless of how much time is left in the movie.

My brother Jeff and I used to wish that we could go on Nickelodeon’s GUTS! and totally kick some ass.

If I could be on any present game/reality show, I’d choose The Amazing Race. If I could be on any past game/reality show, I’d choose Fox’s Fun House in 1991 with Jenna Von Oy as my celebrity partner.

My job history: little league umpire, bagger at Winn Dixie, student worker in a genetics lab, “associate” at Old Navy, office assistant at LSU, stock person at American Eagle, after hours temp at Cingular, cashier at LSU bookstore, relocations operator at Cingular, stock person at American Eagle, web intern at KCNC, sports director at Tiger TV, novelty DJ at KLSU, promotion producer at KSLA, promotion producer at KSAT

My dad gave me my first “Birds and the Bees” talk in a hotel room during a soccer tournament when I was 9. We were watching Rocky. *long sigh*

I despise the necessity of charity events like golf tournaments and fashion shows. What do lame sports and expensive clothes have to do with childhood diseases? Why do people need a day of leisure, drinking and self-congratulation to feel compelled to help kids that can’t move their fucking limbs?

I’m incredibly secretive about my love life and rarely talk about it, even with my closest friends. It’s largely due to past problems with my mother becoming very intrusive in my personal relationships.

I think Entertainment Tonight represents everything that’s rotten, disfunctional and destructive in our society in its purest form. I sincerely hope that the hosts and producers of that show suffer from massive inner turmoil that manifests into some sort of painful gastrointestinal problem.

When I was about 18, I wanted to get one of my nipples pierced…but I realized that my nipples are probably too small to be pierced. So, that worked out just fine.